In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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