Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
