I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
