I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
