I should be sponsored by Trojan
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
