I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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