The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize