Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
