My friends, they love my intelligence
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
