So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
