Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
