Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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