i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
