And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
