He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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