If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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