I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
