Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.