I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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