Need sex. Gaining weight.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Operation Purity has been aborted
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.