I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.