I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
