The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
People in love make me want to vomit
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
