My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
if only i could text you this smell
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
