I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
is that a dick in a sweater?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
