Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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