News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
