if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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