i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
