P.S. I can't hear my feet
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
i've created a new STD.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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