The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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