i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
