Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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