Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We need to get me chipped asap
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize