Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
