that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize