Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
