God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
