Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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