My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
