Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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