I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
