yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
pop tarts are not kleenex
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
