you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
