Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Are we still banned from the library?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
