my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
