I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
