Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
