I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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