It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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