Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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