farters have to be the big spoon...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
