He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
