You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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