I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Enjoy the penises
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
