I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
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After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
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Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
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