my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
