Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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