please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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