Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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