Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
