i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
