I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
No subtext here. People are naked.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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