Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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