____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
